5 Years Ago… One Confession to Start it All

Below is the very first post I ever wrote pertaining to pornography addiction. The post was my own confession of my past addiction to porn that I shared with the readers of a blog I once owned called, “Pink Haired Girl.”

Anyone around still remember that girl? :D

A couple of years ago, I closed that blog and moved everything over here. So the posts remain as the reminders of where we came from. As you can see from the date above, it was 5 years ago that I posted this confession.

Much has happened in that time. The girl below wasn’t leading a recovery group, she didn’t have a book for sale on Amazon and she most certainly wasn’t running a non-profit. None of those things were in her sights. She was just a girl with a story, like so many in our community, who needed a place to confess.

We’ve come along way. What God has done with our efforts in this relatively short amount of time is astounding. One can only imagine what the next 5 years will hold. But we’ll need your help.

With 1000+ women now active in our online community, and dozens more joining every week, we can’t possibly keep going without both your prayers and financial contribution.

Please give today.

Humbly,
Crystal Renaud
Founder, Dirty Girls Ministries

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Hello my name is Crystal and I am a PORN ADDICT. Well, at least I used to be.

As a young girl (age 10 to about 18)… I struggled deeply with a porn and sexual addiction.

My addiction started out as nothing more than just a curiosity with a magazine in my brother’s bathroom. The curiosity quickly escalated down a path of cable, movies and then of course, the all powerful INTERNET. Any way I could find it – I would. And it didn’t matter where I was. home… school… my friend’s houses… even church… yes church. They had internet too – didn’t they? Even being one of the first things I did when I arrived home from Summer Camp the year of my salvation.

Anything you could think up, I probably watched it, looked at it and enjoyed it. But why? Why enjoy something so much and hate myself so much for doing it at the same time?

Because I was absolutely addicted.

Porn. Masturbation. Cyber Sex. Phone Sex, I was hooked. I battled thoughts of – was I gay? Bisexual? Just perverted? I mean it was girls. Girl with Girls. Guys. Guys with guys. It didn’t seem to matter how many times I said I would stop – I would keep doing it.

Freedom from my addiction finally began to occur when I became real with myself. Fully surrendering to the Lord and seeing myself for how He sees me. Stopped hiding and stopped lying. Through that absolute surrender and sharing the struggle with those close to me (support and accountability), the addiction became so much easier to handle. Eventually the temptations became easier fight. I had people keeping me accountable.

And it turned out that I wasn’t alone.

At 23 years old, I am not going to lie to you and say it is never a struggle. That I never desire to look at porn. Or I never want to masturbate. It is still a temptation. But it takes having to die to myself and my desire on a daily basis. Something of which we are all called to do.

Ladies it’s a very real struggle. It is SO easy to get caught up in it and all of sudden be trapped – I know from experience. It’s ok to share your struggle. And if you’d like, you can begin sharing now… you can do so with me.

Comments

  1. Crystal, I appreciate your frank, public confession here. Some churches are just now beginning to address porn addiction issues in men, but too many more are still ignoring the issue. I wonder how long it will before those discussions take place with women in mind. All the while, the relationships of men AND women are being profoundly affected.

    One thing I know about sin in general: As Christians, we’re not immune to it. Not one bit. The rates of divorce, substance abuse, porn access, etc.. are nearly identical in the Christian community as they are in society at large. Yet, the major Christian leaders in our country still seem to ignore it. For some reason, banning gay marriage seems to be more important than healing our own families.

    I admire your candor here. It’s an important part of confronting sin and being able to claim some victory over it.

  2. Great post.

    I started looking @ porn at an early age too. A neighbor had a stack of play girl and play boy magazines and we looked at them all the time. It really messes up how we as women look at sex, not as bad as it does men I think but it does mess us up BUT God can and does clean us up good! If we seek Him, draw close to Him, he is faithful and He gives us a new heart and mind. If we wash with the word, flee from the trash, walk in the spirit, and walk it out daily we can be victorious.

  3. You are absolutely right. You are not alone. I posted about my porn addiction in a post called “Jesus loves porn addicts.” I wasn’t proud of what I had done, but at the same time I felt like a helpless, compelled slave to it. I would look at it when I didn’t want to!

    Here’s the site that helped me overcome: http://settingcaptivesfree.com/home/

    At any rate, thanks for being transparent!

  4. oh girl…. amen for this post!
    well said… and VERY necessary!!!!!! i’ve had sexual struggles of my own, and am now a part of a seminary community that fights similar battles with our own students. sexual sin is THE sin of choice among Christians, i’ve heard by one of our faculty.
    and i believe this expert authority is right.
    blessings to you

  5. Gwen

    Way to bring it to the Light. Some how the Christ followers have forgotten to confess there sins to each other to be healed. You have set the bar high for the rest of us.

  6. Carol M.

    Thank you for calling it as it is! -For the stats.-For your availability to God’s use of you & what you’ve known and done. He has this weird economy thing about not wasting what his people go through…

  7. Tim

    Thanks for your honesty. It always give me a little shot in the arm to read others story. Greatly appreciated.

  8. Christian

    Porn addiction does take its toll, you end up paying heavy price for it. That’s what took me to realize that porn is good for nothing. I found help at http://www.throughtheflame.org.
    Its good to see that people are refraining from porn but there are still millions of them who are hooked to it and are reluctant to agree with the consequences, when mentioned. People need to be made to realize or educated, but I don’t see any long term solution to this and this story of an average joe getting addicted and later struggling to quit, I guess is going to get repeated over and over again…
    having said that the least we could do is encourage any act that is against porn.

  9. Thanks for your honest confession. I also used to be a porn addict. I am freer now than ever! I work for Covenant Eyes, an internet accountability software company. It’s been a blessing to help others with their struggle. God bless in your continued quest for purity!

    Luke Gilkerson

    PS: You may want to look into Covenant Eyes. We have one of the most robust programs out there for internet accountability. In case anyone you know is looking for something like that.

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