{"id":409,"date":"2007-04-21T00:24:50","date_gmt":"2007-04-21T05:24:50","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.pinkhairedgirl.net\/?p=409"},"modified":"2007-04-21T00:24:50","modified_gmt":"2007-04-21T05:24:50","slug":"the-fixer","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/sherecovery.com\/blog\/?p=409","title":{"rendered":"the fixer"},"content":{"rendered":"

this might turn out to be an awkward post since i really have no idea how to word myself but i just feel like writing without proper thought tonight. i just gotta be honest with myself and how i am feeling about everything. honest about what went through my head most of the day at work today. here goes:<\/p>\n

throughout my entire life, i’ve worn the hat of “the fixer”. whether it was during my mom’s stint with depression, protecting my brother’s out-of-wedlock baby news, during my other brother’s drug and alcholism, taking care of my family… oddly being the one everyone turns to. anything and everything. i fix things. that’s what i do. i make things better. somehow. i rescue. and perhaps that’s not healthy… no it’s not healthy but that’s what i do. so naturally when a crisis happens, i am automatically on “what can i do to make it better” mode, “who can i help through this” mode, “what can i say to make it better” mode.<\/p>\n

to serve. to counsel. to love. to protect.<\/p>\n

but now… this. this HUGE… life-changing situation<\/a> in my church has come forward and into the light. this huge thing that i can’t fix. i can’t even kind of fix it. i can’t make it better. and it is making me feel powerless. it’s so big friends.<\/p>\n

i can’t fix dave. i can’t fix his family. i can’t fix becky. i can’t fix her marriage. i can’t fix those who were also affected by other angles of this. i can’t fix our church body. i can’t make them feel better. i can’t make this better. i can’t fix our image in the community. i can’t fix this. but that’s all i want to do. i am so frustrated, sad, angry, confused, embarrassed and numb all at once.<\/p>\n

i know that God doesn’t need me to fix it. i know He’s got it covered. i know He’s not surprised by ANY of this.<\/strong> but that’s where i’m at in this whole grieving process.<\/p>\n

in case you’re like, “Crystal is off her handle…” – fear not – i’m really ok. just part of the process i assume. i have actively sought counseling through an organization called PastorServe<\/a> who have been around this week and for the months to come specifically to aid to our staff. they are a church crisis management organization. one of their core purposes is helping churches in such situations that we’re in right now. sad that there is such a thing. but was surprisingly helpful<\/em>.<\/p>\n

i spoke a long time yesterday with Jimmy Dodd who is their Executive Director and ironically a long-time friend of Dave. he helped me work through some of my trust and betrayal feelings. I was even able to pray for Dave by name last night… which even though i’ve asked you to – I haven’t been able to. That’s honesty, right?<\/p>\n

Of course, I am not “fixed” cause there are deep-rooted wounds here but I am definitely further down the road of healing than I was even one day ago.<\/p>\n

Yea God! and to HIM only be the Glory.<\/strong><\/p>\n

saturday will be a good day. i am getting my hair cut and colored, getting a pedicure and going out with a few of my girlfriends. something not related to anything important other than my own sanity.<\/p>\n

Thank you for your continued prayers for everything.<\/p>\n

Ways to Pray:<\/strong><\/p>\n

    \n
  1. Our staff (Esphesians 6:10-20)<\/li>\n
  2. The familes involved (Lamentations 3:17-26, 30-31, 40-41)<\/li>\n
  3. Healing for our church (2 Corinthians 1:3-5, Acts 1:8)<\/li>\n
  4. Marriages (Espesians 5:22-33)<\/li>\n
  5. The future direction of our church (Hebrews 12)<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
    ——————————————————<\/div>\n

    random and maybe inappropriate, but my blog stats have been crazy high this week… so i want to do a role call. like, “who the heck even knew i had a blog” kind of crazy high. i truly appreciate you coming by no matter why you came or where you came from but i would like to know WHO you are. even if you’ve done it before… do it again so everyone feels comfortable. feel free to comment without having to introduce yourself though<\/em>. thanks!<\/p>\n