Today’s story is from AmyChristine. Her testimony has changed a bit since it was included in Crystal’s book, but the theme remains: HOPE. There is hope in the journey towards healing and wholeness. And while recovery may happen at a slow pace or may include a couple steps back before finally moving forward, there is still encouragement to be found. It is my prayer and that of Dirty Girls Ministries that these confessions provide you with some hope, some encouragement, and even a spark of conviction that one day you might tell us your story and find freedom. – Lauren
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My name is AmyChristine, I\u2019m in recovery from addiction to pornography. I am 32 years old and my\u00a0addiction to pornography has turned my life upside down. My first exposure to pornography was through a childhood friend at the age of 8 but the\u00a0curiosity exploded when the Internet made its debut in the early-mid 90s.<\/p>\n
That curiosity\u00a0 became addictive in nature when it became a quest to find out what was so taboo about sex.\u00a0 This all out quest was hidden from my parents while I used \u00a0their computer to access these inappropriate sites. I was as hooked as any drug addict, becoming engrossed in searching the internet for entertainment any chance I could get.\u00a0 In my teens, it started with online chat rooms but also led to searching for erotic stories.\u00a0 In my 20\u2019s, the search exploded as I became \u00a0desperate\u00a0for more. I began actively\u00a0searching for pornography to fill my growing needs. \u00a0What started with pictures soon led to videos, all being readily available on my\u00a0parent\u2019s unfiltered computer. Then, as if the struggle with pornography wasn’t enough, I began adding masturbation to this ongoing struggle.\u00a0<\/p>\n
Words cannot begin to convey the amount of shame I have endured while living with this addiction to pornography. Chains had their grip on me since the tender age of 8.\u00a0 Looking back, at the age of 15, I had believed I accepted Christ. I went down for an altar call- that was a \u201cHell & Brimstone\u201d message. I went forward, but I never verbalized any acceptance to anyone. \u00a0Sixteen years later, with the help of my mentor, I realized that I had never verbalized that Jesus is my Lord and Savior. The past 16 years were not in vain, I was seeking God out. I went to church, youth group, mission trips, college groups, etc. Even at 16, I went to a True Love Waits rally, committing myself to be abstinent until marriage. (I am happy to say, that at 32 I am a virgin, proud of it, and desiring to wait for my future husband). Yet over the years, my addiction to pornography WAS always a more seductive choice during my time alone.<\/p>\n
I did not date much in my teens or 20\u2019s. I didn\u2019t need to since, in my world, pornography was my relationship.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t need anything from anyone. Pornography was a constant friend which now I see was false intimacy. \u00a0I see now, that I\u2019ve been tortured by lies.\u00a0<\/p>\n
Pornography is a drug of the mind.\u00a0I could use it and no one needed to know. Unlike street drugs, however, I never had to interact with anyone\u00a0so, on the surface, I could maintain the \u201cgoodie-goodie\u201d label. \u00a0As time elapsed, the addiction became a daily routine but, as with any addiction, there were often days where I had to search out deeper and darker things to get the same \u201chigh\u201d. \u00a0<\/p>\n
I have come to realize that the addiction to pornography was a band-aid to a deeper issue… being confused about my sexual identity.\u00a0 That confusion began in early adolescence and continues to the present day.\u00a0 Yet, since my acceptance of Christ in 2011, I feel a power I\u2019ve never felt before to overcome both of these issues.\u00a0<\/p>\n
In late 2009 I reached the end of my rope with this crippling addiction to pornography. Living with this oppressive shame and guilt, \u00a0in combination with my profession as a Flight Attendant, \u00a0severely affected my health. I would spend hours at night searching out pornography, \u00a0I was sleep deprived in a job that already had its own challenges of sleep depravation.\u00a0\u00a0My spiritual sickness was now leading to physical sickness but I still couldn\u2019t seem to stop. In early\u00a02010, I was desperate to make a change. I remember thinking on my 30th birthday, I didn\u2019t want to go one more decade addicted to pornography.\u00a0<\/p>\n
The biggest jumpstart in this process of ending my addiction to porn has been accountability. I have a wonderful spiritual mom (of 5 years) who mentors me and has held me accountable. I have placed filters on my computer and even went to the radical extreme of giving up my laptop computer for 9 months. I heard it once called, \u201cradical amputation.\u201d Computers that are not filtered or protected are dangerous to the pornography addict much like giving an alcoholic a beer to hold and expecting him not to drink. \u00a0<\/p>\n
Aside from accountability and filtering, church involvement\/fellowship has been critical in my journey. Today have been sober 22 days! Yet I just read over a journal entry from 2 years ago stating I was at 123 days.<\/p>\n
I am now also seeing a Christian counselor who will give that tough love that I need, gives homework and demands commitment.\u00a0 I either want freedom or I don\u2019t.\u00a0 My mentor Kim has heard me say thousands of times \u201cThis is it. I\u2019m done this time.\u201d\u00a0 I\u2019m tired of having to say that. I really want this year, 2012 to be it. \u201cIt Is Finished!\u201d<\/p>\n
It\u2019s the first time I actually have hope that I can overcome. <\/p>\n
This addiction has consumed 24 years of my life . I lost part of my childhood, my innocence, time, energy, relationships, potential relationships, my walk with God and my health. I know that I am meant for something so much more than an addiction to pornography. \u00a0<\/p>\n
I also know that God will use me and my story in some capacity.\u00a0Since 2008, I\u2019ve been making videos to Christian worship music.\u00a0 So what the enemy meant for my destruction, (computers-technology), God has turned it around and is using it for His Glory. My heart is to help women get out of this addiction.<\/p>\n
Here is my testimony, in video form that I made in Spring 2009:\u00a0
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