If My Heart Could Speak for Itself
Most of you know I battle depression—this is the thorn in my side (2 Corinthians 12:6-10) God has asked me to bear. To bear so He can boast in my weakness and to bear so I can trust in Him to deliver me. And I know there is a great story in all of this just waiting to be revealed as well.
But right now, depression and I are dancing again.
I am hurting; feeling defeated and depleted.
But thankfully this season isn’t as bad as the last.
Or so it seems.
Unfortunately for me, I am a stuffer. I stuff and stuff and stuff until there is no more room and all of the funk I’ve stuffed begins to pour out. Especially as the seasons change and turn grey.
There is at least one thing I have learned from my experience in seasons past: don’t hide. Depression loves darkness, so once again, I bring my pain to light—in order for others to know you’re not alone and so I know that I am not alone either.
Some day I will learn stop stuffing and learn to avoid the harder parts of these seasons—but for now, I take refuge in Him and the little things He uses to reveal Himself. No, I didn’t find Him on my iron (heck, I don’t even know how to iron). Instead, He grabbed me through a singer and a song I had never heard before:
I heard this song on the way into work this morning—and it took everything within me to not simply burst into tears. I hadn’t heard of JJ Heller before now, but after discovering this song, the first thing I did when I came into work was buy the whole album. I was not disappointed with that decision. Such soulful and at the same time, sweet praises to our God.
Maybe this song will speak something into your heart or maybe it won’t. But I thought I would share it as a piece of my heart in my present season. If my heart could speak for itself, it would recite these words:
(rss or facebook readers: there’s a video here)
JJ Heller’s “Your Hands”
I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn’t there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That you would take my pain away
You would take my pain away
I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crooked lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands
When you walked upon the earth
You healed the broken, lost and hurt
I know you hate to see me cry
One day you will set all things right
Yeah, one day you will set all things right
When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands
Your hands that shaped the world
Are holding me
They hold me still
i hate that you’re dancing with depression right now… but know, your dance card is filled and this dance will end soon.
love you, friend.
jj heller is fantastic and “Your Hands” is a beautiful song that describes the “dance” we all do as we learn to recognize the grace and strength found in his hands.
praying for your “dance.” you ROCK for being transparent and authentic and laying it up for God to prove Himself to you *again* ;-)
JJ Heller is one of my favorites…there is something about her lyrics that touch so deeply into your heart.
From one stuffer to another…I have been there.
Praying for you. Always.
Love.
I miss you. A lot.
<3
Thank you for sharing this amazing song! I have been there too…I think this song is the prayer of our hearts and reminds us…We are always in HIS HANDS!!
Be blessed sister!
I’ll be praying for you on this. Depression sucks. :(
Do you know Mitch McVicker’s song, “Stargazer”? It just came into my head – about bringing your weaknesses to light. Check it out if you haven’t already. http://mmcvicker.com/stargazerzzb.html
I am currently in depressive state of my manic depression. I have been this way for about a year and a half. Seems like all the meds in the world wont make it better. Pray Pray Pray!
Love that song. Thank you for sharing your story here. I am a stuffer too and remarkably skilled at it. I know it is no good for me but I feel as if I have no safe place to say the things that I am thinking so I stuff. Thanks for sharing your heart. I will pray for you and pray that your dance ends soon. Blessings,
I love that song, too. I heard a snippet of it on ‘So You Think You Can Dance’ (no judging :)) and absolutely fell in love with it. The lyrics truly speak to me.
I am sorry you are in the throws of depression. That is not a fun place to be.
Be blessed.
Inspirational song and post message.
I need to pick up that CD, too. That song has helped a lot. I know what you’re going thru generally speaking because I think every one who deals with depression suffers differently. Mine hits fast & hard but is over quickly while others suffer for days, weeks or more. I’ve been to the point of writing “the note” but thankfully no further. I know the enemy is behind it all & I pray the Holy Spirit hurries up & cuts in & fills your dance card with His waltzes of love & peace.
I snuck onto your blog from Tam’s blog.
And I love this song.
And I’ve got insomnia, because I’m trying not to think. . . (but here I am thinking).
Thanks for this song.