WHOLE: from Same-Sex Attraction

We are currently featuring guest posts from a several of the women who are leading breakout sessions at WHOLE. Today’s topic and post may be a bit controversial, but so is God and so is His word. Please keep comments on this post civil and respectful. We are so proud of Karol for bringing her story into the light.

It’s important to know that at WHOLE, every woman who leads a breakout has personally experienced the topic she’s addressing. These are real women who have found wholeness in their specific area of brokenness. There’s hope for whatever you’ve faced or are currently facing and for that friend, sister, mother, etc. that you don’t feel equipped to help today.

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Breakout: Called Out/Homosexuality
Leader: Karol Adams

In my freshman year of high school, classmates starting teasing me and calling me a lesbian, homosexual, gay, etc. I grew up in a very small and rural community so words like these were very seldom mentioned and I wasn’t quite sure what they meant but I knew it couldn’t be a good thing. I denied the accusations but secretively started examining my inner feelings, behaviors and sexual attractions. About a year later, I had my first homosexual experience. That experience fulfilled my deepest sexual desires toward women and answered my awkwardness and lack of sexual interests toward men. Reality set in. I was terrified and sick to think that I really was a homosexual and I would be hated, persecuted, and rejected for who I am. Yet I felt I had no choice over my innocent and natural attractions toward women. I was hardwired and there was no possible way I could reverse it. Why did God let this happen to me? I was really angry, confused and felt no hope for having a normal, heterosexual life.

For years, my conscience was tormented and torn between disapproving God and embracing my homosexual identity. I felt I had only two choices. I could live a double life and repress my true feelings for same sex attractions and pretend to be a heterosexual, or live openly, honestly as a lesbian and take the chance of condemnation. Neither choice gave me a true feeling of hope and acceptance but I thought following my desires for same sex relationships was at least truthful and ultimately would bring me self-fulfillment and forgiveness from God. I chose to come out of the closet and live an open lesbian lifestyle. I was an advocate of the gay community, PFLAG, and openly protested Christians and churches that wouldn’t accept us. What temporarily satisfied my conscience with God was this idea that I could be a gay Christian. I rationalized that if God was truly a loving and forgiving Father, I would not be condemned because I was made this way and I was honest about it. I had the first part of that statement right.

Then my truth started unraveling. After years of bouncing from one same sex relationship to another, I had settled into an eight-year same-sex relationship. I thought I was content. After four years into the relationship, we brought a beautiful baby girl into the world. From the moment I held my daughter in my arms, God got my attention! I knew without a doubt my daughter was a miracle and a special blessing but I had no idea just how special and what God had planned for the both of us. My daughter marked the beginning of a complete upheaval and overhaul of everything I had believed in.

Through my unconditional love for my daughter, I started understanding the unconditional love from our Father and his son Jesus Christ. The salvation of my daughter weighed as heavily on my heart as my own. Was my child’s salvation at risk because of my lifestyle? Would it bring her the same torture and torment that it brought me early on in life? I really wanted a normal life for her and most importantly, I wanted her to know God and Jesus Christ but I wasn’t exactly leading by example. On the flip side, it was a paralyzing thought to walk away from my lesbian lifestyle that I have lived for 30 years. What would my life be without it? Then I would think of my daughter and I kept seeking answers from God.

In late 2006, I left my same-sex relationship and became a single mom. Then I took a leap in faith and I made a personal vow to God to leave the homosexual lifestyle for good. I completely surrendered my heart and trusted God over myself! Then God graciously blessed me with a second miracle. I was immediately freed from all of my sexual temptations. This is when my faith became real. This was a phenomenon that was unheard of but it was real for me and had to have come from the power of Jesus Christ. I was so graciously humbled to be chosen and inspired to know more about Jesus. I prayed daily, started reading the bible and joined a church small group (all married heterosexual couples – imagine that). I was baptized in March 2011 and my now 8-year-old daughter chose to be baptized in July 2011.

I began a personal relationship with Jesus through the Word and I was falling in love with this man. This was a first for me! I was learning the truth about homosexuality and all of the love, acceptance and freedom available without it. On the day of my baptism, the scripture shared was John 8:1-11, the adulterous woman. This was not a consequence! It was this scripture that help me understand how Jesus felt about me as a homosexual. Jesus says, ‘Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?’ ‘No one, sir,’ she replied. “Then neither do I condemn you.”

Jesus does not condemn any sexual immoralities and we are all asked to follow his example. I longed to hear these words my entire life! He goes on to say “Go now and leave your life of sin.”

Only through your belief in the grace and healing power of Jesus Christ can you really leave your life of sin. I am hard evidence that through Jesus the impossible is possible – I no longer thirst for homosexuality – I am whole!

I believe homosexuality is more than an identity but also a sexual addiction. The lifestyle is as habitual and addicting with the same physical and emotional highs and lows as drugs, alcohol, pornography, or any other emotional or physical dependency. And, we are starting to believe it is a justified, natural and normal way of life and including same sex marriages. This is a very dangerous lie for all of us to believe and only Satan could be behind it. With God’s consent, I am sharing my story and the one truth – homosexuality is not God’s design, He doesn’t condemn it and He frees us via Jesus Christ!

By Crystal Renaud

Crystal Renaud is the Founder & Executive Director of WHOLE Women Ministries whose projects include Dirty Girls Ministries and WHOLE Women’s Conference. She is also the author of Dirty Girls Come Clean (Moody Publishers), a speaker and student who lives in the Kansas City area. Follow @crystalrenaud on Twitter and visit her website for info on coaching and speaking at http://crystalrenaud.com.

11 comments

  1. Thank you, Karol. For your open and candid story. For your bravery. I have tears running down my face. You are so courageous. You love your daughter more. Like God loves us more. More than enough to face our fears and make big changes. God Bless You!!!

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  2. Hi. I am 21 years old, and i had a big problem with pornography, masturbation and same sex attraction, for 11 years I was in their vicious circle , one day Jesus rescue me too. This is real, only Jesus fill my heart, an give me freedom, i really love him for this.
    he still healing my heart, and i hope that witness help other girls like Carol and me.

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  3. Karol,

    Thank you for sharing your story. Very timely for me. Though I have never “lived” out the homosexual lifestyle, there has been the same-sex-attraction towards women. I’m working through this with my counselor.

    But thank you for your courage to share and encourage others. Indeed your story will help set captives free!!

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  4. Thanks for sharing your story. I have been battling with addiction and same-sex attractions for fours years. Your story inspires me to keep fighting for the freedom I once lost.

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  5. Thank you Karol, this is one of those issues that needs to be talked about, not preached about. So thanks for starting the conversation. I have struggled with what I believe about this issue for a while so I always like hearing personal stories.

    I worry at times, that people who have been “saved” from same-sex attractions experience a real spiritual transformation & out of love for their savior are trying to fit an expectation rather than actually having a physical change, you know?

    Sexuality is a nebulous thing & I think it’s different from person to person. You obviously know your experience & only you can know these things. I wish I could come to your breakout session and hear your thoughts about this.

    Thanks for giving me some things to think about.

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  6. That was an amazing story! Thank you for sharing your heart. I have so many friends who should hear that story and know the truth. God does not condemn us, He wants to love us and to redeem us from the darkness of our minds. If only we are willing to be humble and ask forgiveness!

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  7. Well thank Jesus then for splitting up your daughter’s parents, because Christ knows how well children from broken homes do. Yeah, that’s a good idea. Much better that then risk your child’s salvation…what?!

    If you’re really a lesbian then what a selfish thing to do, to move in with a man. When one of you realise this isn’t going anywhere, it’ll be ANOTHER break up for the child to experience.

    What a price for ‘salvation’ – insecurity, trust issues, paranoia. Poor kid.

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    Crystal Renaud Reply:

    Nic – thanks for your response. But to just clear one thing up – Karol isn’t living with a man. She is living single and raising her daughter.

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  8. Thank you so much for sharing. My daughter is currently living this life style and it is very encouraging to hear uplifting deliverances such as yours!!!
    God bless you!!!!

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  9. Thank you so, so much for sharing this! I admire your courage. It must have taken a lot of bravery to share your testimony with others. But I think it has and can continue to help a lot of people!

    Thank you again. I needed to hear this. God bless you!

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  10. Second time I’ve read this story. It brought tears this time as well. Very proud of you, Karol. Your story is such an encouragement… to all. It is so, because it’s a testament to your faith and the fact that we cannot put God in a box. There is no formula for faith and following Christ. No true understanding of His timing. He’s always present always working and you’ve shown how can speak to us all. Who’s understood John 8 in that light before? I’m guessing not a lot of us. You are one of my heroes.

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