the fixer
this might turn out to be an awkward post since i really have no idea how to word myself but i just feel like writing without proper thought tonight. i just gotta be honest with myself and how i am feeling about everything. honest about what went through my head most of the day at work today. here goes:
throughout my entire life, i’ve worn the hat of “the fixer”. whether it was during my mom’s stint with depression, protecting my brother’s out-of-wedlock baby news, during my other brother’s drug and alcholism, taking care of my family… oddly being the one everyone turns to. anything and everything. i fix things. that’s what i do. i make things better. somehow. i rescue. and perhaps that’s not healthy… no it’s not healthy but that’s what i do. so naturally when a crisis happens, i am automatically on “what can i do to make it better” mode, “who can i help through this” mode, “what can i say to make it better” mode.
to serve. to counsel. to love. to protect.
but now… this. this HUGE… life-changing situation in my church has come forward and into the light. this huge thing that i can’t fix. i can’t even kind of fix it. i can’t make it better. and it is making me feel powerless. it’s so big friends.
i can’t fix dave. i can’t fix his family. i can’t fix becky. i can’t fix her marriage. i can’t fix those who were also affected by other angles of this. i can’t fix our church body. i can’t make them feel better. i can’t make this better. i can’t fix our image in the community. i can’t fix this. but that’s all i want to do. i am so frustrated, sad, angry, confused, embarrassed and numb all at once.
i know that God doesn’t need me to fix it. i know He’s got it covered. i know He’s not surprised by ANY of this. but that’s where i’m at in this whole grieving process.
in case you’re like, “Crystal is off her handle…” – fear not – i’m really ok. just part of the process i assume. i have actively sought counseling through an organization called PastorServe who have been around this week and for the months to come specifically to aid to our staff. they are a church crisis management organization. one of their core purposes is helping churches in such situations that we’re in right now. sad that there is such a thing. but was surprisingly helpful.
i spoke a long time yesterday with Jimmy Dodd who is their Executive Director and ironically a long-time friend of Dave. he helped me work through some of my trust and betrayal feelings. I was even able to pray for Dave by name last night… which even though i’ve asked you to – I haven’t been able to. That’s honesty, right?
Of course, I am not “fixed” cause there are deep-rooted wounds here but I am definitely further down the road of healing than I was even one day ago.
Yea God! and to HIM only be the Glory.
saturday will be a good day. i am getting my hair cut and colored, getting a pedicure and going out with a few of my girlfriends. something not related to anything important other than my own sanity.
Thank you for your continued prayers for everything.
Ways to Pray:
- Our staff (Esphesians 6:10-20)
- The familes involved (Lamentations 3:17-26, 30-31, 40-41)
- Healing for our church (2 Corinthians 1:3-5, Acts 1:8)
- Marriages (Espesians 5:22-33)
- The future direction of our church (Hebrews 12)
random and maybe inappropriate, but my blog stats have been crazy high this week… so i want to do a role call. like, “who the heck even knew i had a blog” kind of crazy high. i truly appreciate you coming by no matter why you came or where you came from but i would like to know WHO you are. even if you’ve done it before… do it again so everyone feels comfortable. feel free to comment without having to introduce yourself though. thanks!
- who are you?
- where are you?
- what do you do?
- how did you get here?
- don’t forget to leave your blog link for others to visit.
Role call time. Its just me. Oddly enough its comforting for me to be able to read other people’s thoughts and emotions on this hard subject…because i just havent even had time to stop and begin to process it or believe it. Thats why im here. :)
Hi, I’m Kim.
Live in Wichita, KS.
Am a worship leader.
I got here via los and flowerdust blogs.
I do have a blog at kimbontrager.blogspot.com…. it’s sort of in it’s awkward adolescent stage.
Have been through a share of church crisis. Will definitely pray for you and your church.
Terri
Lenexa, KS
Work in the Insurance business
I have know about your blog for awhile :)
Praying for the families and the church staff and the church body!
hi Crystal, i just happened to find your blog when i typed dave’s name in on my computer. it is weird that i found your blog because eventhough i don’t know you i have been praying for you every single day by name . i also go to Westside . hopefully i will see you sometime. God Bless You, Jennifer Bales
Hi Crystal:
I know what it’s like to be “the fixer.” As my friend said about me, “You’re the first person to arrive on the scene of somebody else’s crisis but the last person on the scene of your own.” I had a parent who struggled with mental health issues too; I think that’s why in a crisis I feel compelled to make everything better, or a least more resembling “normal.”
Sometimes it’s best to make a list of all your concerns, circle the ones you can truly control and cross out the ones you can’t – God gets to take care of those. He has put other people in place who are equipped with the right tools for those jobs.
So, as one fixer to another, I encourage you to take care of yourself and your needs first. I know – that seems selfish and not Christ-like, right? But remember – on an airplane when the oxygen masks drop, you are supposed to put on your own mask before you help somebody else with his/her mask.
Hang in there – lots of us are praying for you right now. And if you ever want to hook up for a coffee or a milkshake or any other favorite potion, you know where to find me :)
Cara
Shawnee
Law
Hey there. Keep the Faith. You and I both know that God has this all under control. He is Faithful even when we aren’t. I have really gotten hooked in this blog thing and I’ve got to make one and get into this family. :)
See ya in the am!! I’ve got a deal…. you wake up and I will do the same. :)
Hello, Tina here.
I appreciate your honesty while dealing with this crisis. And look for what God is trying to teach you about being “the fixer.” I am all too familiar with that role.
May blessings and peace fill your world.
Crystal,
I was just out googling, checking to see if this “thing” had made any kind news, or to see what might be out “there” and found your site.
We’ve been around since QRBC. Dave is the reason I attributed to my coming to church and staying. When I heard Dan read the announcement I nearly vomited right there–right on the baby in the car seat in front of me.
We have been praying and praying several times a day since, for all the staff. I you guys can feel the thousands of arms around you.
Hello-
I am a westsider and also found you by typing in Dave’s name. I was and still am reaching out to find any kind of sanity in all of this. I find it a comfort to read that others are where I am in processing all of this. Thanks for writing and thanks for letting us drop in on you. Keep the faith.
Sandy
I found your blog through Carole. Today was my first day to read yours. I was actually looking for more girl blogs and looks like I found one!
Sorry it was so awkward today. I don’t know how to say goodbye to my friends and family. I don’t know what to do. Sorry. I love you though and hope that you can forgive me for being stupid.
Hi Crystal,
I’m a member of Westside and like a lot of other people, I found your blog by Goggling Dave’s name. I’m so glad I found it! I was a little scared what I would find when I put in Dave’s name…would I find that the papers were all over it, would I find people putting down our church…on and on. But what I did find was a blog that I LOVE and a pinkhaired girl that has the honesty and integrity to open up her heart and help others start the healing process along with her. We would all love to be able to fix this…but like you said, God’s got it under control. I’m praying for you and our church. Thanks! :)
i’m clay (not that one, the other one) from louisville. i’m a client relationship manager by day and media guy for my church by night. i found your blog via los a while ago and keep coming back to see how things are progressing. (still) praying for you and the church.
Crystal,
I am a Westsider. I check on your blog occasionally. I am sorry you are struggling so. i understand your feelings. It is good to see you are clinging to Christ since it is him that we serve. God will see you through this.