Farting Rainbows
Well, if you follow my twitter you have seen me vaguely referring to some recent family drama. This is all causing a lot of pain for my family right now and we’re in need of prayer. Particularly my brother and his family (which I hope you will commit to). While I am not going to post in detail what is going on (I want to protect my family’s privacy and dignity) I did want to write something on my blog this week.
Something… in the light of the fact that my writing has been null and almost void as of late.
Since the beginning of this blog, what, 6 years ago… I’ve always shot straight and not held anything back about how I’m doing and what I am going through. And today is no exception.
So, I’ll be honest with you now and say, I am not doing very well. A couple of weeks ago I began experiencing a flare-up of my depression and now with everything that is going with my family… well, yeah, I am not doing very well.
But here’s the problem: I am the fixer. Or at least that is what I try and put off. I don’t like imbalance. I don’t like chaos. I don’t like when things aren’t “good” and “normal.” On the outside, I am solid. I am a rock — for everyone else. But on the inside I am a total mess, I am broken, I am depleted.
I had a friend one time compare temperaments like mine to a duck in a pond: Totally calm on the surface, but paddling like hell underneath — and that picture could not be more true of my condition right now.
The reason I am so honest about this is simple: I am SO tired of seeing the body of Christ fake their way through life. Too often we appear happy when we are not. When we’re depressed, scared, angry, anything but happy, we put on a happy face. As if that is helpful. As if that is healthy.
The problem with living with pain that is hidden… is how it shows it self later. We as humans figure out ways to cope. And generally they aren’t healthy ways. Whether it be porn, drugs, cutting, sex, gluttony, whatever it is … we cope. Especially when we leave things in the dark.
Right now, my temptation to use porn to cope with my circumstances is incredibly high.
And wouldn’t that be a nice little way for the enemy to ruin the good thing God is doing.
You see, I can’t pretend I am fine. I can’t go hide and not let people into my pain. If I do that, it is a dangerous road. So I know that I have to let people in. I know that I have to let people ask me how I am. I have to ask for prayer.
And more importantly, I have to honest.
If we as Christians can’t get real about how we are… how can we expect those who don’t know Christ… to ever see Christ revealed? We are His instruments and He allows things to come into our lives for us to trust Him. To surrender to Him.
And as a result, we glorify Him and reveal His power in us.
Stop living above grace and mercy. Stop living as if you are not supposed to have trouble and hurts. Stop believing the lie that you can take care of yourself. Stop lying. Stop hiding. Stop pretending your life farts rainbows.
“You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of dead men’s bones and everything unclean.” Matthew 23:27
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Crystal, I am so sorry that you're going through that family drama. It is very stressful! I'm a fixer as well, so is my mom. My mom looks cool and calm on the outside, but when her family drama kicks up, she gets all stressed on the inside and no one knows. My dad and I know because we know her. She talks to us about it. I suspect she takes it to her ladies Bible study as well. I think those are good things. What I don't like to see is one of our pastor's reactions. When we ask her how she is, she can never answer without a complaint whether it be physical pain, the government's actions on something, the news, the doom and gloom of the world. It makes us not want to ask her how she's doing. Two extremes, I know. I guess that what you did, post your concerns and feelings, so that those that follow you can be your support.
PART 2
Unfortunately, we can't trust everyone that we might share with, but you know that you can trust us to support you as a Christian sister. Stay strong! You don't want to disappoint yourself and I know you don't want to disappoint God by relapsing. He loves you! We love you! And I'm so glad that you shared with us what was going on. We can keep praying for you!!!
i love this! i'm going through this exact same thing right now… well… sorta… but this you already knew.
i love you. you know that :)
Goodness, I know all of these feelings so well. I will be praying for you, Crystal and wrapping your whole family in prayer.
So sorry your family is going through it right now…Mine is too, actually, and it's really hard. Just by the fact that you are bringing everything into the light by being honest, you are definitely dealing some blows to the Tempter. May you continue in God's mercy and grace and may it envelope the painful situation in your family…
The bottom line is… This is Gods way to help you overcome. Have you ever thought of that? God made me bipolar and until things got really bad, I wasn't living my life the way God wanted me to. It was all a secret. Bottom line is the phrase "it will get worse before it gets better" is Gods funny little way of slapping you in the face and reminding you that you need him right now. I have prayed more since I have been diagnosed bipolar than I have in my whole life. I love ou and you will be in my prayers!
Hi Crystal my name is Becky and I am a recovering fixer….:) love the title and content of most of your blog anyway but this one..well this one especially so.
Crystal, I am so glad I read your post today! This definitely resonates deeply with me. A few weeks ago I hit a low point in my world. Depression hit and things going on with my family made it worse… During that time I finally decided to get real with my best friends. I knew I had to get real with the people in my life and also I had to get real with God. Like you, I am a fixer and the comparison on temperaments is how I feel most days. Thank you for your honestly… it's very refreshing! I will be praying for you!
Hold Fast. am praying for you and yours, dear sister.
I am pretty sure I will remember that analogy and that last sentence of this post for a long time.
This post resonates so deeply in my heart….I cannot even begin to explain it.
I am praying for you. I am praying for your brother and his family. I am praying for your family. I may be absent from the internet a lot right now but I have been and will continue to pray for you.
Love you friend.
Crystal – thanks for your honesty. I'll take a moment right now to pray for you and your brother and your family. It is good to see the church "encouraging one another in the faith" – you encouraging us to be real. Good words. When I went through a very very hard time in our family, someone shared this with me, and it sounded to me like God's voice to me…
"But now, this is what the Lord says – He who created you, O Jacob, He who formed you, O Israel: Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, Your Savior…" (Isaiah 43:1-3)
Crystal – you are right on with the answers to the tough stuff we deal with on this planet. Jesus and "real" community are the answers. As an older woman, I can't tell you how refreshing it is to hear women like you laying it out there and challenging others to get real. God does have the answers and victory is ours – but connection to God and people so his love can flow is the delivery system. I have asked the Holy Spirit to remind me to pray for you as you need it and I am taking communion for you right now. Such power in that covenant meal. Look up sister!
Crystal – I am sorry to hear about your family drama. We have a lot of that in my family as well and I’m the designated fixer for my family. A few years ago, I went through a small group book entitled The Emotionally Healthy Church (highly recommend it) and it helped me learn to set boundaries. The boundaries haven’t cured my fixer disposition, but it has helped a lot.
Anyway – I love what you say about Christians being real and I will be praying for you and your family. I just want to add that I am someone who wears my emotions on my sleave much of the time and I think it is healthy, but a very wise person once told me that it is okay to be emotional, but not ok to “emotionally throw-up” on other people. Being honest is good, but we all have to learn to process our emotions in a healthy and safe manner.
Lots of love and prayers.