So, on Wednesday I shared with you all that I will be participating in the Forty Days of Water but that I was not truly going to give anything up for Lent. Well, I’ve changed my mind.
What I’ve decided to give up is a little bit unorthodox and some of you might even think it is cop-out. Let me assure you that this will be a lot harder than it seems.
I’ve decided not to weigh myself again until after Easter. I have become so obsessed with the number on the scale — to the point in which I weigh myself in the morning and in the evening — everyday. The obsession though, became quite clear when I paid a quarter to use a scale in a gas station bathroom, somewhere between Nashville and Atlanta on Wednesday evening. All because I hadn’t weighed myself that day and needed to know where I was before my vacation really started.
Something has truly snapped in my brain over the last 5 months. I went from not caring all about my weight and having great self-esteem, to an insecure, tracks every ounce, guilt-ridden girl that I don’t even recognize. And when I add in the “you look great!” compliments (which I don’t accept too well and end up saying something like, “oh yeah well I still have 65 pounds to go.” or “yeah, but I didn’t reach my goal this week.”) plus my new pant size and new clothes, it just continues to build an unhealthy obsession.
And to take it one further and I apologize for the TMI, but I have even begun taking a laxative the mornings of my weigh-ins. Just to ensure that every ounce is counted as loss. I actually fear that an eating disorder is on the horizon, so something needs and must be done.
No more weighing myself at home.
No more weigh in posts.
No more weight watchers meetings.
No more anything to do with my weight as it relates to the number on the scale.
It is my hope that during this time I will be able to refocus on why I decided to lose weight in the first place. And create in me a healthy self-image and relationship with food, exercise and the scale.